I have had to take a bit of a break for the last week and a half from blogging. My heart is still here in it, but life happens sometimes. My husband threw his back out at work a week ago, and I had to step up and take care of him for a coulpe of days. Then, it was my turn. I have been dealing with some health issues for the last couple of weeks, and now we are just waiting on blood test results. I have been very ill, and weak feeling, and my anxiety has started to creep up on me again. I find it so interesting how God keeps shifting my blogging around to focus more on this subject. I know I still have to take pics of my fall decor in my home, and I have more "mommy related," fun topics to share. I wish I could just share those things instead of this topic, but once again God is changing my topics around. Soon enough I will share the fun things, but for today, I feel God is wringing out these words from my heart.
During the last couple of weeks as I have been battling whatever this health issue is, I have felt like such a hypocrite! I wrote the last two posts about anixiety, and how I deal with it, but let me tell you my friends, I failed miserably to follow through with these techniques this week, or so I feel. God in His grace, and compassion, has helped me see yet another perspective of the trial of anxiety.
There are times where our health is the cause of our anxiety. It's in these times when making a choice to "think on these things" (Philippians 4:8), is next to impossible seeming. How can I just choose to think on better things when my anxiety is a side affect of my health issue, and comes out of nowhere?! How can I focus on God's Word when I can't focus on anything, because I am so ill and weak? As I was contemplating all of these thoughts this week, I felt so much more compassion on the true warriors of our faith who struggle daily with disease or other forms of suffering, and yet somehow learn to rest in God's peace. It was my heart's desire to find that for myself, and honestly still is.
As a child I grew up in the Assemblies of God, during the movement of "revival" that was huge in Brownsville, and just about every church near me was hungry for this revival in their own walls. I remember witnessing different people getting healed as people would pray over them, and I also witnessed many who did not. It was the ones who did not get healed that brought frustration, and confusion into my little heart, as I heard pastor after pastor pray, "Lord if it is your will, heal this person." How is it not God's will to heal? Does that mean that He Himself wants this sickness for this person? As I grew up that mentality stuck with me without my even knowing it.
Last evening, I felt so ill, and not knowing the results of my blood test yet, sent my mind reeling, and my anxiety rushing. I was gone in another anxiety attack, and I didn't know how to get back to "reality." My sweet husband came beside me, and in the midst of my anxiety attack that had me on the floor feeling faint, he put his hand on my head and prayed for me. As He prayed, my mind began to clear, and I felt as though God Himself lifted blinders from my eyes that had been there for years. I saw Him for who He is. I didn't see the finger of God pressing this sickness into me, I saw Him kneeling beside me as my husband was and ministering to me. I felt loved. I felt peace, even though I did not feel good. I began to breath normal, my heart started to calm, and I knew that once again, I had been believing a lie for too long, and Jesus wanted to take the lie away.
God is not the author of sickness, or death, or pain. Because of this, He does not will upon any of us the trials we face. Instead, God in His mercy promises to be with us, and to help us manage our weaknesses the way only His Spirit can. God Himself has compassion on us, because He understands what we face in this sinful, fallen world. Maybe in some ways, I have been ignorant to this obvious truth, or maybe I just needed to understand this feeling, so I could have compassion on others who deal with sickness.
It is easy to blame God for our problems, because He is in fact the One in control over all things is he not? But God is not the problem. Sin is. God uses our trials to bring redemption, to bring life, and to bring beauty from ashes. When God does not heal us, He is still on the throne. When we don't have answers, He is still loving us, and ministering to us, and giving us what we need to get through the moment. Why He chooses to heal some, and not others is not for me to know or to answer. But whether we are healthy and free of ill feelings, or if we struggle daily in sickness, and pain, Jesus promises to never leave or forsake us. We will always have something to worry about on this earth, whether sickness or not. We are not in Heaven yet. But the mercy of God is Himself...every day, for the rest of our lives, whenever we need Him. We face none of this alone. He is always here waiting for us to come climb in His lap and lay our head on his chest, and rest.
It's better to leave the unkowns to Him. We were never meant to worry about them. It is better to let Him go before us. We were never meant to go without Him. It is better to trust Him, because He is in control, and He will never leave us. It's better to trust Him, because in the middle of an anxiety attack that comes from nowhere, He is our only peace, and He is still Good.
This week I am linking up with
#IntentionalTuesdayLinkup
